To Live In Hearts We Leave Behind, Is Not To Die
by wackyjacqs
Summary: Oneshot. Set just after Season 5 episode, Meridian. Sam struggles to come to terms with Daniel's death and ascension. Slight J/S, if you squint near the end. Rated T, just to be on the safe side.


**A/N:** There may be a tissue warning for this one. This is probably the most emotional piece I've ever written and it is very personal for me. One of my best friends tragically lost his life in an accident at the weekend and my thoughts, emotions, everything... they are all over the place at the minute. No words seem adequate enough to convey how all who are affected by the tragedy are coming to terms with the sudden loss, but I felt compelled to write this.

**DISCLAIMER:** They don't belong to me.

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**To Live In Hearts We Leave Behind, Is Not To Die**

Sam walked through the hallway in a daze, only vaguely registering the sound of the door slamming shut behind her.

Making her way into the kitchen, she crouched down and pulled everything out of the cupboard and onto the floor until she found what she was looking for.

As soon as she found the items she needed, she stood, ignoring the mess in the kitchen and headed towards her bedroom.

Her movements were slow, pained and carried out on autopilot.

She felt numb and couldn't - or even want - to think clearly.

She could see herself moving around, setting the items carefully around the room, but she felt like an outsider, trapped inside her own body and unable to break free. Helpless.

She continued to rearrange her room in silence. When she finished she took a step back and observed her space - her private sanctuary - and choked back a sob.

The room was in darkness, the only light source coming from the dozens and dozens of candles burning on any free surface available.

Each one burnt brightly, but each flame was eerily still.

It was almost as if they knew.

Sam moved slowly, determinedly into the centre of her room and sat cross-legged on the floor, her back resting against the foot of the bed. Taking a deep breath, she closed her eyes and listened to the silence engulfing her.

And she allowed herself to let go. To feel. To grieve.

One tear landed on her cheek, quickly followed by another and another until she could no longer hold them back and they ran like rivers down her face and neck.

Gut wrenching sobs wracked her body as one by one, her military training, her strong soldier persona, her emotional barriers ebbed away until all that was left was Sam.

The Sam who had just lost one of her best friends.

She no longer cared for her job. No longer cared for technological advancement or seeking potential new allies in some distance part of the galaxy. No longer cared what anyone thought of her crying.

She wanted her friend back. She wanted him alive and well. She wanted him home with SG-1 - where he belonged.

She missed the way he bounced as he walked down the corridors of the SGC. She missed his impromptu visits for coffee. She missed the twinkle in his eye and the exaggerated hand gestures he used when he made a new discovery or understood a translation. She missed how he was always pushing his glasses up his nose to stop them from falling. She missed his smile. She missed his kindness and the curiosity he showed to new acquaintances.

She missed his kindness. She missed his caring. She missed his blue eyes.

She missed his blushing when he inadvertently said the wrong thing.

She missed his laughter when one of them managed to outwit the Colonel.

She missed him and the morals he stood for, what he represented.

She missed _Daniel._

She didn't know, nor particularly care, about how long she had been crying and mourning the loss of her friend.

It was only when she felt herself on the edges of shock that she heard a soft whisper in her ear. Sitting slightly straighter, she realized she was in the arms of her Commanding Officer. Again, she didn't know how he got there, or for how long, but she couldn't bring herself to ask.

"Ssh, Carter. I know," he croaked as if he could read her thoughts. "I know."

Collapsing into his chest, Sam gave a faint nod before the tears cascaded again - only this time she shared it with the man beside her. Someone who was more than a friend, someone who understood just as much but was never able to express his feelings openly.

She felt his tears flow freely alongside hers as they continued to sit on her bedroom floor, entangled in each other's arms, until there was only one candle left burning on the dresser.

The tears slowly stopped. Their breathing slowly evened out. They remained holding each other close. They both still felt empty, their loss no easier to deal with or understand.

"I miss him," Sam whispered eventually, her voice broken.

"Me too."

"I love him."

"I know."

And Jack did know.

He knew she was talking about the love she had for her best friend, brother, teammate.

"C'mere," he added a second later, pulling her closer.

Sam allowed him to direct her into his embrace as exhaustion crept into her body alongside the numbness.

Daniel's death had left a massive void in their lives and it was one Sam wasn't sure how - or even if - it could ever be filled.

She continued to let Jack hold her and as her eyes drifted shut, she felt a light breeze ruffle her hair. Pulling away from Jack, her hands rested on his chest as the blood rushed to her head. She could hear the roaring in her ears, but as her equilibrium levelled out, she could have sworn she heard Daniel's voice.

Slowly opening her eyes, she looked at Jack, his face just millimeters from hers.

His eyes were dark, heavy and full of sadness, but in that moment she knew in some way that she hadn't imagined it.

The Colonel had heard their friends' words too.

"To live in hearts we leave behind is not to die."

A second later, the final candle extinguished its flame and plunged the couple into the black night.

Jack smiled sadly, knowing his friend was watching over them and knowing his words were right.

Daniel would live on.

His legacy would live on - of that, Jack would make sure.

Swallowing hard, he slowly leant forward and placed a featherlight kiss on Sam's temple before he whispered into the silence.

"Until we meet again, my friend."

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**A/N:** The beautiful quote, "To live in hearts we leave behind, is not to die," I do not own. Rather, it belongs to a man called Thomas Campbell.

Dedicated to my friend.


End file.
